raw

This is going to be messy and disorganized, but that’s okay. It’s not for you. It’s for me.

I don’t know what it is that I’m feeling right now. I am so happy that school has started because I love to learn. Lately, I’ve felt myself pulled toward the complete and utter pursuit of knowledge. But I don’t want to learn out of a textbook. Or from a lecture.

I want to see with my own eyes. I want to listen to others around the world. I want to speak with them. Hug them. I want to touch the dirt underneath my feet. I want to hear the birds and insects in forests untouched by man and machinery. I want to ditch every single social convention and just go.

I’m already going to ignore the part of me that’s saying that no one really wants to read about the more complicated, confused parts of my mind.

I want to read books and interpret them myself.

I want to jump off of cliffs into freezing cold water.

I want to do nothing but ask ‘why’.

I want to ask ‘how’.

Why does the world have to be this way?

How can we change it?

Why do I feel so drawn to learn, but so alienated from my classes?

Why do I want nothing more than to buy a plane ticket and go anywhere?

Why do I feel like an animal trapped in a cage?

Why can’t I convey exactly what I’m feeling and have someone understand exactly what I mean?

Why can’t I just love everyone else and never worry about a grade in a class or what my income will look like one day?

How can I find peace right now? How can I disappear at least for a little while to sort my feelings out? How can I buy as many plane tickets as possible on a tiny budget? How can I travel the world and focus on all the life that fills it?

That’s what I want.

I want all of this to make sense. I want to understand why my heart is being pulled the way it is. And I do not want to be told that I am in a funk or that I’ll be fine.

I was never born to sit on the beach and be ‘fine’. I was made to make waves.

I’m not good at talking exactly about what’s bothering me, so I thought I’d give writing a try.

I don’t want to have shallow conversations.

I hate hate hate open ends. And I don’t believe in burning bridges. I want to understand. Why can’t I be comfortable and content doing the same boring stuff most people do? I don’t want that. I really don’t. I just want to understand my own brain and my own heart better.

And that’s a challenge and a process and I’m looking for where to start.

I don’t want to hear gossip. I want to hear ideas. Beautiful, life changing ideas that deserve to be heard.

I want to hear how your day went. I want to know how you like your coffee. I want to know if you’re a breakfast for dinner type of person.

I want my life to be consumed of love for all of the life there is on this earth. But I don’t want to feel so lost as I do right now.

This is great, too. I’ll admit to that. Being lost and confused and challenged and uncomfortable is the time that I believe we grow into ourselves and change the most. And that’s a wonderful thing. But I also want to admit to being raw and open and lost.

I want to share with you what I learned about math today. But I also want to tell you about the ladybug that crawled all over my arm today.

I want complex and I want simple.

I want understanding and focus and clarity and absolute chaos.

I wanted to put this all out there.

-Juliana

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