you don’t need to read this 

Hi. It’s late. Today had its ups and downs and I want to kind of write about it. You don’t need to read this.

I mean, actually I’d love to talk about it. A good ole sit down to let it all out. I need to make time for that.

Anyway, that’s not the point.

My IT band is acting up again and I cannot even begin to explain how much it bothers me. And of course it happens during a very stressful week of school. OF COURSE.

And then there’s what’s been on my mind and heart for a while… Life feels so different right now. And I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Everything just feels so stagnant. And I know that’s playing with fire because life can change so dramatically so quickly and I don’t wish for anything bad to happen, but at the same time I so desperately want something to happen.

I want to be moved – to tears. I want to feel so in tune with myself. I want to do nothing but show those around me how deeply I love them. I want to appreciate every moment I’ve been given. 

And have I been doing that? I don’t know. And that’s what really gets me. For quite some time, every single day felt life changing… But now I feel bored. 

And I hate that I feel this way and then that just makes me even more frustrated! 

I know life has chapters and that this one won’t last forever.

But I want to go out and make things happen, or better: I want to happen to things. But what? And how?

I’m trying so hard to figure that out. Or do I just let it happen?

I DO NOT KNOW. Ya feel me?

And it’s been keeping me up at night and, to be honest, I have a headache right now thinking about it. 

When I can’t sort things out for myself I like to just focus my energy on others, but this has just been weighing so heavy.

I’m so happy. I am. Like dance spontaneously in my room and smiling at leaves blowing around ok the ground happy.

But I’m also just keeping my eyes on the horizon. What’s next? Where do I go? How long do I stay?

I want answers but also know that I can’t always have them.

I don’t know when I’ll sleep tonight, but at least when I do I can rest easier.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Juliana

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