enthusiastic conscious

So I just wrote what I think is essentially just a stream of consciousness. When I have thoughts rolling around that I just know won’t make sense typed out, I open a Word doc and let my fingers fly and then read back over it and try to make sense of it. Sometimes I’m successful and other times I end up just as confused as I started.

Anyway, I just wrote one of those, but it’s not the one I’m going to show you now. When I saved the document, I started a folder to put it in as well as one I wrote back during finals week in December. I reread it and had to fight the urge to laugh out loud.

When I wrote this one, I had just found out that I passed my Genetics final (which I had been ridiculously stressed about) and needed to express my joy in some way shape or form. Reading over it brought joy to me now because I want to work so hard to approach every aspect of life with the same enthusiasm I felt that day…

Without further adieu, in all of its mess, a stream of consciousness from weeks back:

“I’m going to write one of those stream of consciousness things. What does this even mean? Am I doing it wrong? Like what’s the point am I supposed to suddenly think of something really profound? I don’t know but you know what I really want to dance. Like so much right now. I’m having a really hard time sitting still when I just want to dance to Demi Lovato and DNCE and every song ever. I want to jump and sing at the top of my lungs because I survived!! SO much weight is off my shoulders! Hallelujah! And tomorrow I am going to sleep in which is good because my throat hurts. I am oddly disappointed by this scone I bought. I know that most scones are crumbly and all, but I guess I wasn’t actually craving sweets as much as I thought I was? I don’t know but I am also tired which is crazy considering I had a coffee a 7… I got 8 hours of sleep last night too! It’s just been a stressful few days so I guess my body is just wearing down a tad. I have two more exams this week; one on Friday which is Spanish so I am honestly not too worried and one on Saturday which is important but not nearly as stressful as Genetics! Sorry I had to take a pause because the song playing in the background had electric bagpipes in it. ELECTRIC BAGPIPES?! What even is this life??? Who plays electric bagpipes??? Are those even a thing? I don’t know. But holy crap I feel so happy right now. Like I can’t wipe a grin off my face and I really really really really want to happy dance bc I DID ITTTTT. HOLLA BLESS Y’ALL. I CAN”T EXPLAIN HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT THIS!!!!

Reading back over that felt ridiculous. And I don’t know if I am going to put this on my blog or not because my mind is apparently a skiddish and crazy place. My ear hurts. Yo ear, you best not be gettin an infection. AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

RESIST THE URGE TO HAPPY DANCE IN CHERRYWOOD”

Truth be told, I wish I hadn’t resisted the urge. I never want to resist the urge to dance!

Love,

Juliana

actually little things

 

Yo.

I just needed the world to know that the color of my nail polish is making me ridiculously happy today. It’s an interesting salmon/coral/orange color and it reminds me of wildflowers in the spring.

Maybe that seems ridiculous to post about on a blog, but hey, there’s something to celebrate about finding joy in the small things.

Notice that today!

Love,

Juliana

so for forever.

Hi. School has started. I’m feeling lots of emotions and thinking a lot of thoughts. Mostly about still living my life during the semester. I said that last semester and yet somehow made myself so busy and so stressed that I was flitting from place to place and class to class without really noticing much. I didn’t talk to many of my classmates. My time with my friends sometimes felt like an escape rather than something I really got to cherish.

Yet, for whatever reason, I feel very different this semester. Whatever I feel now is so incomparable to experiences I’ve had in the past and I don’t know where it will lead me but I am excited to see.

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, though, has been this:

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I don’t mean to sound like a debbie downer, because that’s not what that means to me at all.

I stumbled upon that quote on Pinterest while I was sitting in the sunshine before a class on Tuesday. Almost immediately after reading it, tears came to my eyes and I sent a mass text to some of the first people that popped into my mind that matter to me.

My Grandpa died on Christmas this year. And this Monday I went to his funeral in California… And I was surrounded by so much family. So many people I love and don’t get to see all the time. People I don’t always reach out to and remind how much they matter in my life. And how much I care so deeply for them.

That’s something I want to do more of. Because we’re not around forever. Sometimes people move away or their lives get busy and it seems like you’re getting phased out. Lots of things can happen.

But all I know is that I just want people to know how much I love them. Actually really and truly do.

And I find that it can be scary to do that because I sometimes find myself falling into the vicious trap of thinking too hard about what other people think.

And that’s just a cycle of hurt and pointlessness.

I want to live my life in such a way that there is no question how I feel. Maybe that’s wearing your heart on your sleeve? I’m not sure.

I just want and so desperately need the people in my life to know that I can never express how lucky and joyful and grateful I am to have them in my life. Because they’ve all changed me.

And it’s sort of really incredibly cool because it seems like these people may love me back. I screw up and make mistakes and can be hurtful and vicious to those around me. And yet they can find it in their hearts to forgive me and love me all the same.

And I love that.

I want to remember that and become that next time I feel so appalled by the actions of another.

Look at all of these beautiful-hearted people around me. Just look at them. And then tell them how beautiful they really are.

That’s what I want to do this semester and forever and always.

Love,

Juliana

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$25 sandals

Today I was at Zilker, sitting on the edge of my hammock and soaking up the sun, when I noticed my shoes in the grass.
They’re Magellan Outdoor sandals (aka Fake Chacos) ((aka Fake-os)) that I bought for $25 on my 19th birthday. 

When I bought them I honestly thought I had made a ridiculous purchase and that I was never going to wear them and they would sit in closet forever, untouched. 

I was wrong. Really really wrong. I’ve worn them more than I ever thought I would.

And as I stared at them in the grass, I noticed the worn out shape of my feet in the soles. I noticed that pieces that were rubbing off. I noticed that scars on my dangling feet that the shoes gave me when I wore the straps too tight in the rain this summer.

These shoes have come with me to California, New Mexico, Colorado, Italy, Mexico, and more. 

They’ve been worn camping, at races, in rivers, and all over the streets of Querétaro. They’ve been worn by me and my sister and by a countless number of my friends.

It may seem odd to pay homage to a pair of cheap sandals, but when I thought I was bearing more weight than I could handle, they bore me.

Life takes us all over the place. The most absurd, painful, wonderful, confusing, joyous occasions are thrown at us and we’re left with choices:

Do you take off your shoes and wash your feet and stay indoors?

Or do you strap on your $25 sandals and open the door wide and embrace whatever is coming your way?

I say it’s about time you go buy yourself some cheap shoes.

Love,

Juliana

what I’m feeling.

I’ve been thinking so much. I’ve been thinking so much that I want to explode and tell the world, yet want to keep it all to myself at the same time.

Regardless, here’s my attempt to put my thoughts into words. No promises if it’s understandable AT ALL. But here we go.

I find it incredible all the places where joy can be found. Maybe this is personal for me, but maybe not? Lately, I have found myself so consumed with a joy that makes me want to jump up and down and shout lovely things. It’s been a joy that makes me feel like I have a million butterflies inside me.

I feel like I’m being rejuvenated and refilled and remolded. I really don’t know what it is, but it is wonderful.

I felt fine all of last semester, but now I can look back and be extra grateful that that is done. Because right now I feel incredible.

Feeling this way has had me thinking about why. Why is this happening now? Did I make a conscious decision to do things differently? What is this?

Basically, this is what I’ve come up with:

I’m focusing on what fills me up. And I’m looking for reasons to be joyful, rather than waiting for joyful moments to happen to me.

To me, there’s a simplistic and understated beauty in peaceful mornings with a book and a cup of coffee.

To me, there’s a reason to smile when the light streams through tree branches just right.

To me, there’s satisfaction in the soft sound of rocks under my feet on a hike.

To me, there’s a gentle self-appreciation in visiting coffee shops and drinking coffee (by yourself or with amazing friends).

To me, there’s happiness in long roads with the windows down and music blaring.

To me, there’s intrigue and excitement in being in a different city surrounded by strangers and unfamiliar streets.

To me, there’s peace in clean clothes being put away.

To me, there’s love in having meals with friends.

To me, there’s awe in realizing how beautiful and strong your body is, regardless of the size of your clothes.

To me, there’s absolutely reason to let slip a few tears of joy when feeling a feeling you just can’t describe.

Maybe it’s serendipity. Maybe it’s something that I can really only understand in my own mind.

But what I can say is that there are so many reasons to be happy and thankful for this life.

Life is beautiful and wonderful and I say that day in and day out but you can never be reminded too many times.

I feel better than I ever have.

I wish you all the joy in the world.

Love,

Juliana

 

to the brim.

Hi. I am filled to the brim with joy. I can’t really explain why because I don’t understand it myself. My cup runneth over.

And I love you guys. And I want you to enjoy today and tomorrow and every day.

There’s a whole wide world out there full of possibility and opportunity and we have no clue what could happen at any moment.

So I’m seizing this very second to share how utterly and completely and ridiculously happy I am.

It’s a beautiful life.

Love really,

Juliana