All I’ve been wanting to do lately is fast forward. To finals, to the end of a work shift, to the summer, to next semester, to having a healed leg.
And if you know me, you know that I struggle with impatience.
However, I just don’t want to do that anymore. It’s giving me a headache and I’m missing out on some of the best moments.
I’m a firm believer that life comes at you in seasons; let me tell you, this season is wack.
As I’ve said before, it’s a whole lot of what in the world kind of thoughts.
Anyway, I want to feel more of the now, even if I am anticipating something in the future.
So here’s how I’ll start: Today as I walked to class the sun was shining in the most beautiful way. Shadows were cast just right and the temperature was stellar. The dress I’m wearing makes me feel like I belong to spring. And I have a huge cup of hazelnut coffee.
Life is good.
And complicated and unclear, but always good.
So today I want to notice more. I want to engage more. I want to stop wishing for things to speed up and go past.
I’ll just let it happen now.
I’m in a strange place, I think.
It’s one of energy and exhaustion, of staleness and newness, or routine and spontaneity.
Mostly I feel like I have something waiting for me, but I just haven’t arrived there yet.
“What you seek is seeking you.”
I don’t even necessarily feel bad… Just expectant.
As if I’m waiting to be scared or surprised by something I haven’t seen coming.
“I don’t know” runs through my head a lot. What do I think of this? How do I feel? Where do you want to go? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
And I guess, in a way, I am okay with that.
Not knowing strips away my obsessive need to control and that’s good.
But also it’s as if I am waiting for someone to approach me with all the answers.
All in all I just needed to get that off my chest and it just feels a little more organized when I’m writing, as cryptic as it may seem when I reread it hahaha.
Happiest of Mondays to you!
I’ve been thinking a lot about he importance of community.
Of having people, or even a person, to go to and just be honest with.
Don’t get me wrong, I really really struggle with the willingness to tell people how I’m really feeling. I create all these lies in my head about why I shouldn’t and I fall for them.
However, if you’re lucky enough, you’ll find people that love you enough to make you comfortable enough to tell them.
And whether or not you have that, you can still always be that person. And that’s awesome to me.
None of us are okay 100% of the time. Not a single person! We could all use someone to lean on, or someone to listen.
For the sake of being nonhypocritical, let me make it clear that this IS easier said than done.
But go for it.
Take a risk and use your voice. Or just be a listener today. Either way, love on those around you so hard because they are all probably so rad.
I know my people are.