This post may quickly devolve into nonsense, but I am just desperately trying to get my thoughts into some sort of order.
I’ve been thinking long and hard the last few weeks, but I’ve only recently started to understand what the high speed thought process truly is.
I’ve felt so raw and exposed lately. Bear with me, this is not necessarily a bad thing.
I’ve felt terrified of what’s to come, I’ve felt overwhelming and un-understandable love for people around me, I’ve felt insecurities gnaw viciously at my heart and I’ve felt undeniable joy for life. I’ve felt confused and pressured and wounded. I’ve felt whole and free and clean. But ultimately, it’s all felt so real.
If you go into my archives for a few months, you’ll probably notice a trend that everything felt like a blur and I felt so out of touch. But I’m starting to realize that the last month and a half has felt so present. I’ve been struggling to understand what I’ve been feeling because for the first time in a while I truly do feel like I’m feeling something. Like I said, I feel raw. And I’m okay with that. Now, to be clear, this is not to say that I’ve been an unfeeling robot, but sometimes when you let stupid stupid things get to you, life just starts to feel less bright.
I was feeling like I was on the edge of my seat or on the edge of a cliff and it was because the universe was pulling me to do something. To jump! To fly! Because life is here and now. And something inside me was done waiting around.
Suddenly everything has become more vivid: my happiness, my successes, my frustrations, my sorrow. But I’ll take it all.
I’m afraid about what my experience in South Africa will be like. I’m afraid to trust my own heart about people. I’m afraid to do what I need to do to help my own self.
And, man, am I glad to feel that terror. Our fear, once acknowledged, becomes our growth. This I am sure of.
I can’t speak to what exactly all of this means. Because I really don’t know; life is crazy in that anything can change in the blink of an eye. It can take just 10 seconds of bravery for everything to be different.
I am not the bravest, nor would I like to be. But I’d like to be braver than I have been.
Life is here. And I’m afraid. And I can feel it.
Off to live this wild wild life,