Last Friday I had a doctor appointment and was weighed for the first time in ages. As I prepared to step up to the scale, I wondered how I would feel when I saw the number on the scale. Would it be higher or lower since the last time I was on a scale? I would feel surprised in a happy way or sad way? Would it ruin my day or inspire me?
I stepped up on the scale and watched the digits run up to 147.something. Let’s round up to 148. And, for the first time in as long as I can possibly remember, for the first time since I was at least in 6th grade, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wasn’t happy or sad. I was staring at a number. Nothing more. Nothing less. I was eye to eye with a number that only means something greater than being a number if I choose to allow it.
It didn’t occur to me until later that I had just kicked some serious ass in that moment. Let me explain.
For the longest time, regardless of what I said of body acceptance and health and positivity, I wanted the scale to show a lower number. I wanted my body to look a different way. I unknowingly needed those things to feel good about myself. But last Friday was the wake up call I had no idea I needed.
In my brain, in my heart, the tables have turned. I felt nothing standing on the scale that day because joy, fulfillment, love, and meaning come from every other aspect of my life. They come from the parts of my soul that desire to help people and change the world, one child at a time.
My own self-love radiates from the part of me that finds the energy and light to love others. It does not stem from how much my thigh jiggles. Which is a lot. Because it is a thigh. Shocker.
I smile, not from flatness of my stomach, but from the reluctant smile of a student that is too cool for school that I made laugh.
I cry tears of happiness because I have never felt a sense of purpose in my life so much as I do now. My purpose? To be compassionate and empathetic. To spend my energy making an impact. Not on my weight. But on the world.
A scale. A pair of pants. A glance in the mirror. A recipe. They have never made, and never will make, me feel this way.
So yeah, I weigh 148 pounds and am 5 foot 4. For all intents and purposes, it’s overweight. And I don’t have to justify my health status to you. Or to myself. I can feel the health of my body, soul, and heart without any kind of scale.
And make no mistake. For the first time on this blog, I have not been afraid to post about my weight. Because my weight and my worth aren’t tied. Learn that. Live that.
Happy Wednesday, people. Go get it.