Today I had somewhat of an epiphany, I think.
I’ve been struggling with the thought that I typically care more about people than they care about me. Which probably sounds pretty self-deprecating, but it’s one of those nasty insecurities that I can’t ever shake entirely. Anytime that thought occurs to me I always find myself to be torn between two decisions: to either express my love for people less or to continue to make sure to let people know their value to me, even if it’s not always expressed in return.
Then I think about it for a while and realize that the answer is obvious.
Shamelessly express your joy to the world, let love flow abundantly, and turn your back on no one.
Anyway, this was not my epiphany but it was on my mind and somehow in the process of writing it, I found the words to express those thoughts!
Onto the epiphany:
Here in Africa I’ve been thinking a lot about what my purpose is and how strangely I spent a long time feeling since being here. I’ve thought about the way I’ve been challenged and exhausted. I’ve thought about the joy and incredible experiences I’ve had.
I’ve thought about who I was a year ago in Mexico. How that time there changed me.
And how I haven’t felt that way here.
And then I realized that my location isn’t actually relevant to my very being.
Yes, traveling opens you up to the world and allows you to learn more about the people and world you live in. It forces you to see things from a different perspective.
And for a while I felt like I was in a gray area, where nothing made sense (which it still doesn’t really, don’t get me wrong) and I felt distraught all the time.
I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin because I didn’t feel comfortable here.
Helllooooooo, Juliana, that doesn’t matter!
I still very well get to be who I am! I can embrace my personality and my decisions and my life even when thousands of miles across the globe, far far out of my comfort zone.
The sun that rises here is the same one that rises in Austin. The joy I experience here is born from the same part of me as back home; a piece that I can’t fully understand.
This, where I am (today, in 2 weeks, in 5 years), is something to behold. And it will always change my life, and yours as well.
But the core truth of who I am is a solid foundation.
And somehow I had forgotten that!
Breathing a little easier,
P.S. I love you.
P.P.S. Sorry not sorry.